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I’m in Brussels on a layover unable to sleep my full 8 hours…..again.

I know what’s coming, the nagging realization starts to surface inside of me….my drinking is getting kinda out of control. How many did I have this time? 3, 4, 5….. I’m unable to remember. Annoyed and aware my pick-up time is only 3 hours from now, I feel sick to my stomach from having had too much beer this time cause is Brussels! I dread the thought of working all the way back to New York with a hangover.

My mind is racing with the annoying thoughts about myself ~ “What’s wrong with you?” “You said you would stop at 2” “What happens to your self-control?” “How will you feel if you end up like one of the people lying in the gutter because you’ve lost everything?” 

Next, come the promises to me to do things differently tomorrow. To find a way to fix this. Get back in control. 

I fall back to sleep for about 30 minutes before my wake up call.  

These middle of the night wake-ups on my International layovers are one of the times I am 100% honest with myself and admit I’m drinking too much. It’s awful. It’s scary. They freak me out.  

Yet, the next day I turn back into my happy go lucky self and ignore the misery. I block it all out because I’m a respectable, hard-working Wife, Mom, Sister, GlamMa, and friend. 

I get home to Palm Beach from my trip, want to relax with “The Hubby” PLUS I don’t feel like controlling my wine intake. I love my wine! I enjoy unwinding and chatting about my trips with TheHubby while drinking.  I block out the questions in my head about my habit and ignore the negatives; it’s normal, I’m fun, I’m hardworking, I deserve it!

AND Drink my wine with The Hubby” I do……

I’m home…..it’s 3:00 AM and I’m awake again with my thoughts. I “Rinse and Repeat” this pattern for more than 7 years.

All my drinking is my own secret. I share my thoughts with no one. Nor do I talk about the full extent of my steady, heavy wine intake. Which has now lead to drinking beer in Belgium, Vodka on stressful days and Jamison in Dublin. 

Only I can hear the voice in my head regarding my actions. More and more I grow tired of my own private drinking prison.

For me, alcohol was my suit of armor in life. My seatbelt, lifevest and oxygen mask as I journeyed through the turbulent flight of life. In the beginning of my drinking days, alcohol felt nice and secure like your seatbelt. It would soften the blow, hold my emotions in check, and ease the pains of life. Then as time flew on and I used my friend alcohol more and more.  It became my lifevest as I floated along the rapid waters of life. When times became extremely tough and I felt like I was dropping from the sky below a comfortable altitude my friend alcohol felt like my oxygen mask and for a short time the booze helped me breathe again.

Even though I knew in the deepness of my soul, I needed to find a way to drink less or stop, the fear, misery and the stigma associated with alcoholism and recovery kept me in my drinking prison for 2 decades. 

Then on a weekend at home, I realized I had completed an entire 1.75L of Jamison in 3 days all by myself. ………….

This event made it crystal clear to me alcohol was the major contributing factor to the daily anxiety and overall sense of doom which had begun to cloud my life. 

By shifting one thing, I easily and effortlessly found freedom from my 2-decade alcohol prison. I became Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes like with my drinking. I let go of judgement and applied logic and astute observation to investigate my relationship with alcohol. 

Because I believe right now we are stuck in this all or nothing approach to excessive drinking, I've decided to teach others how to let go of judgement and apply logic and astute observation to investigate their own relationship with alcohol.  

More and more woman daily have begun to question their drinking, yet are afraid to seek help because the options they find the all or nothing approach is not a fit for them.

This site is a place and a space to help other women, just like me.

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